All that Olympic torch hullabaloo has left me with a dilemma - How am I meant to enjoy the forthcoming Olympic Games when there's all that rottenness going on in Tibet? How can I justify slavering at the prospect of a month's worth of athletics, when all them monks are being arrested and tortured by the Chinese? How can a man possibly enjoy the gymnastics (in a completely wholesome and un-diddly-fiddly way, o'course) when those evil yellow hoards are rampaging through the Most Spiritual Country On Earth© and pissing on the carpets?
Well, my personal solution is ...
BY NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT TIBET BECAUSE I'VE GOT MY OWN WORRIES, THANKS VERY MUCH.
Hey presto! Y'see, there's only so much a man like me can find the time to give a fuck about. If I shouldered the burden of worrying about who lords it over a pack of orange-robed do-gooders, then I'd have to jettison one of my own top ten niggles. I'm not prepared to do that because, as you can see from the below list, my worries are far more important than whatever rubbish is happening over there in mountain country. They are:
The fact that bugger upstairs's dogs keep shitting all over my garden.
My ongoing war with EDF Energy.
The odd rumbling noise from next door that's keeping me awake.
Some new bloody thing Classic Rock's got me doing.
The fucker wot keeps nicking our bins.
The lying bitch who came to my house and lied to me about changing energy suppliers.
My fear that I'm going to be on the throne when the man comes to fit our V+ box.
A niggling feeling that I've not paid my Council Tax, even though I have.
That I might miss this week's Holby City.
That lizard people are ruling the country in secret.
See? There's far too much to worry about in my life for me to get all hot 'n' bothered about the plight of some monks. For all I care, what with them bastard dogs shitting all over the shop, China could set fire to every man, woman, and child in Tibet, and I wouldn't be as fired-up as I am when I tread on yet another lump of crap as I'm out watching the bluebells dying afore they've even had chance to bloom.
A man must get his priorities straight, I reckon. I can't go worrying about international occupation crises when Virgin are coming to the house and I might miss 'em, thanks to being otherwise occupied on the loo, can I?
All that and the fact that, as just about everything I own and wear is made by the Chinese, it would be rather hypocritical of me to start jumping on any high horses now, wouldn't it?
BRING ON THE GAMES!
Chinese Democracy
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
You wanna come to embassy for dim sum, cookie boy?
I hate the Olympics. it's fuck-boring, even if we win anything. So I hope it DOES get cancelled.
Yeah, the winter olympics are much better - shooting, people doing crazy ski/snowboard tricks and best of all the horrendous accidents that the two can cause.
Swineshead - You hate the Olympics because you are an oaf.
Wagonwheel - You only like the Winter Olympics because you want to be like that blonde Nazi off of For Your Eyes Only. And you're an oaf.
Hoo Hee - Why not, old boy? I could discuss my plans to open a factory in your glorious land. Here's a toast to the Red Menace!
Where is your charity, where is your concern, your love for your fellow man/woman/child/sheep, where???
The same place as mine me thinks ...(currently wondering if she will be able to be home when the next Sainsburys delivery is due which is REALLY causing her worry)
I hear there's big money in international stolen wheelie bin trafficking. In fact, just the other day I bought a second hand one. It wasn't empty though: it had some cartoons of Ozzy Osbourne, half a block of orange cheddar and six issues of "Chicks with Dicks" inside.
Never mind, you'll be glad to know that you qualify for Victim Support
Absolutely BLOODY Outrageous!
You can't move these days for students prancing around waving flags and banging on and on about Tibet.
I'm not entirely convinced that the whole country / scandal wasn't invented by Richard Gere to try and distract people from the latest "is Richard Gere a homophobist" rumour, and that, much like Australia, the whole thing has just got out of hand.
I mean, has anyone ever met an actual Tibetan? And I don't count that beady eyed fella, The Dally Llama. I remember him when he worked in the Loo Fun Chuck in Gerrard Street.
Of course, the Chinese may have made the whole thing to try and distract us from the forthcoming Chinese INVASION! It'll be soon, mark my words, so keep your drawing pins handy. You'll thank Me.
Never mind the Tibetans - WHAT ABOUT MY BINS?
And as for Richard Gere, well who cares what that bugger thinks? Anyone who's arrested at customs for 'aving a hamster shoved up his arse forfeits the right to an opinion for the rest of his life.
Well, it's what I expect from a person who addles his mind with soap operas from dawn to dusk...
Don't worry about your woes up there in Alljustfields, shortly you'll have to deal with guns, knives and the motor car.
We have more guns in the North, you woofter. And at least I don't waste my life watching property shows, like what you do, Piqued.
My only concern is that, hopefully, Mr Gere used a free range hamster and not one of those poor battery ones.
Not the first time the anus of a CELEBRITY has been in close proximity to either a) hamsters or ii) batteries.
yeah? what about the motor car then, you don't get many your way do you?
DO YOU??
Most of those are made in the North as well. And, as they're not in your neck of the woods (London), they get to go at speeds above ten miles per hour.
Post a Comment